Bream Gives Me Hiccups Read online

  ME: I wish I was there too . . . Cant wait till you get back to NJ . . . But I bet you look hot in your little outfit thing, what’s it called again?

  AMY: You mean a TUTU?? I do look hot!

  ME: That’s so cool. but you always look hot . . .

  AMY: ;-)

  ME: literally just mowed the whole lawn . . . And not just the back, but the front, you know where we have all those stupid trees my mom likes? I had to do like figure eights around them because my mom likes the pattern it makes with the lawn mower. SO friggin’ boring! I’m so tired . . .

  AMY: hey you. ballet was awesome today. their making me the lead in the “end of the summer” recital! which just means I have to learn a lot of complicated solo parts, actually not totally fun but a kind of nice thing, I guess, right??

  ME: thats so cool!!! your gonna look so pretty in the show. I can’t wait to see it . . . But obviously I will wait, because it’s not until the END of the summer. Which is I guess why they call it an END OF THE SUMMER show, right??

  AMY: LOL! You are so funny.

  ME: You are so pretty . . .

  AMY: Well than I guess we make a Pretty Funny couple.

  ME: LOL.

  AMY: I really like you.

  ME: I really like too . . .

  ME: I mean I really like YOU too!

  ME: Whoops . . .

  AMY: what you doin’ today?

  ME: nothing . . . I kind of slept in which was weird because I normally can’t do that . . . So I woke up at like 2:30 and was like “whoa” because I thought it was probably still morning . . . You?

  AMY: we had our first rehearsal with costumes. mine looks SO nice, it’s got these red sequins all over the back but it still moves really well. I’m supposed to be like a kind of bird, but a bird who does ballet (who knew?) and we met the costume guy who’s this Brazilian guy I think. He’s like the most beautiful man on the planet. He used to be a dancer. Don’t get jealous. probably gay, everyone thinks so. And I have to wear this really short skirt and I told paolo (costume guy) that you can totally see my butt and he looked at me all serious and said with his awesome accent “you must be proud of your beautiful posterior.” Wish he wasn’t gay! Just kidding! Miss ya! Going out with Paolo and some of the gang to TGI Fridays for Sundays. (On Saturday. Weird. Almost covering all the days in one trip!)

  ME: That dress sounds insane! Make sure you show off your “beautiful posterior” when I’m at the show! I had a really exciting day (he said sarcastically . . .) I helped my father at his office for like ten minutes and then was like going totally crazy, so I snuck out while he was with a patient. Anyway, back home now. Will probably watch a dumb movie or something . . . Can’t wait for school to start! (and can’t believe I actually just said that)

  AMY: Just got home from dinner. On a sugar high. Will probably not sleep all night!

  ME: how’s it going? another boring day here . . . I wish I could hibernate like a bear does and just sleep through the whole summer and just wake up for when I get to SEE YOU AGAIN! I am GOING CRAZY at home . . . My parents are insane . . . They don’t even fight like normal parents, its so annoying, they just get along and it’s so boring. BUT . . .

  Good news is (drum roll please): my sister Kendra gets back from college tomorrow!! She is so cool, I can’t wait for you guys to meet. Maybe we could all hang out? She’s super super smart, used to do all my history homework for me (dont tell Miss Matthews) and shes getting her degree in something totally random like the Bosnian genocide or something. Creepy! But whatever, can’t wait to see her . . .

  AMY: that sounds cool. I have some good news as well (second drum roll please): Paolo is NOT gay! LOL. Glad I didn’t bet any money on that. Anyway, rehearsals are going really well. I’m working SO HARD, my body is getting like a crazy work out every single minute. But I think I’m doing really good and actually think I may be able to do this for a living. Like I used to think dancing was just a kid’s dream kind of thing, but I actually think I might be good enough to do it for real. Weird!

  ME: Yeah, that is weird . . . It’s like if I was in the nba or something . . . Lol . . . But cool . . .

  AMY: It’s not like if you were in the nba. I mean I’m actually dancing and im the lead in the show. it would be like the nba if you were at a basketball camp and you were the best player and were also like really tall.

  ME: im just saying, you should probably not like QUIT SCHOOL if that’s what you were thinking . . . And I’m actually a really great long-range shooter. I was on JV last year and actually started some games, and you don’t have to be tall if you have an outside shot, so . . .

  AMY: I’m not quitting school! I’m just exploring who I am right now and I think I’m a really good dancer. Sorry if that pisses you off?

  ME: I’m not pissed off? What? I’m just saying it might be a little EARLY to consider a career in a weird field . . . Sorry for being, like, practical . . . And Im glad paolo is not gay. Now you guys can be lovers . . . Honestly, though, be carful around those creepy old Brazilian guys!

  AMY: Paolo is our age.

  ME: What?

  AMY: Yeah . . .

  ME: And they let him design all the costumes?

  AMY: He’s a prodigy.

  ME: Weird . . .

  AMY: Why weird?

  ME: Don’t know . . . Just seems weird.

  AMY: I feel like your being unsupportive.

  ME: Well its a little hard to be supportive when your like changing your whole entire life around overnight with out telling me . . .

  AMY: i didn’t realize i had to tell you every time i move a muscle. I didn’t realize we were like joined at the hip because we went on two dates before the summer started. Sorry I didn’t realize that! Anyway I have rehearsal. What exciting thing are you going to do? Wash your socks?

  ME: I’m actually hanging out with my sister. she’s awesome and we’re probably gonna do something cool like go on a trip to the beach or go to a party or something . . .

  AMY: well have a good time. I’m actually going to a party also. Paolo is having one at his room.

  ME: have a good time . . .

  AMY: Maybe I will!

  ME: your being a bitch.

  AMY: I think we should stop talking to each other.

  ME: Good! How is that any different from our current situation?

  AMY: Good point for once!

  ME: I’ve told my sister about what you’re doing. She’s going to email you.

  AMY: Fine! I didn’t do anything wrong, so I don’t care!

  KENDRA: Dear Amy, this is Kendra. Nice to email meet you. :-) My brother shared with me your recent email communications and, while I don’t want to be invasive, I do feel like I might be able to clarify my brother’s position visà-vis your new relationship and shed some light on the situation.

  AMY: Hi Kendra. Nice to email meet you too. ;-) I’ve been feeling so frustrated about the whole thing. Thanks for trying to help.

  KENDRA: My pleasure. I’d like to share something with you that I wish someone shared with me when I was your age. I think it might help illuminate some of the more complicated aspects of your relationship. The situation reminds me of a little historical blip called the Karađorđevo agreement. I imagine this may be a new reference for you so let me give you a little backstory.

  In 1991, Bosnia, Serbia, and Croatia were preparing for war. Bosnia, led by the toothless Alija Izetbegović, was the weakest country and doomed to be overrun. Nonetheless, on March 25, 1991, the leaders of Croatia and Serbia met privately to discuss how they would carve up Bosnia. That’s right. Behind the broken backs of the Bosnians, the Croatian and Serbian heads of state decided how Bosnia would be divided. Shocked? It gets worse.

  Serbia, as you probably know, was represented by the vile Slobodan Milošević. Croatia was represented by the comparatively less ferocious President Franjo Tuđman. At Karađorđevo, these conspirators secretly agreed how they would overrun the helpless Izetbegović and his Bosnian Mus
lims and thus began a campaign of ethnic cleansing. I think, judging from your exchanges with my brother these past weeks, the Karađorđevo agreement is a fitting analogy to our situation. Let me explain the parallels, in case they don’t seem immediately evident:

  Clearly, my brother is Bosnian leader Alija Izetbegović, stuck in the dark while his fate is decided in private backroom deals by others: namely you and Paolo. Their crime? Not being present: Izetbegović, isolated in the boiling Sarajevan valley. My brother, mowing lawns in the suburbs of New Jersey.

  While I am not equating you with Milošević (and I will get to him later), I do think your actions are reminiscent of Croatia’s (weak) strongman Franjo Tuđman. He was, for all intents and purposes, a patsy. Was he evil? History will be the best judge, but I would say Not Necessarily. Still, he was certainly not innocent. Likely bullied by the stronger Milošević, Tuđman conspired as well, hatching the evil plot to carve up Bosnia. Whether you consider him an appeaser or a butcher, he certainly did nothing to help the poor Bosnians and nothing to stop the ruthless Milošević.

  How do I think you are similar to Tuđman? Your increasingly intimate trysts with this Paolo character read like a crime of passivity. From ice cream sundaes at TGI Fridays to last night’s party at “Paolo’s room,” you are carving Bosnia up one “innocent” interaction at a time. Just like Tuđman, you are complying with a plot that is far more complicated and evil than you are likely aware. Again, you are not evil. But lest we forget the famous words of Elie Wiesel: “To remain silent and indifferent is the greatest sin of all.”

  Now. On to Paolo, our Milošević. You call Paolo a “prodigy.” And that may be true. Milošević was also a “prodigy.” As were Mussolini and Hitler. And though you claim that Paolo’s genius lies in the world of fashion, I think it is far closer to Milošević. That is, I think they are both experts not in fashion, but in butchery and thievery.

  Questions of his sexuality aside, Paolo’s intentions are clear. His comment about your “beautiful posterior” is tantamount to a declaration of war. Similarly, Milošević made no secret of his similarly dark intentions for the Bosnian Muslims, saying of the Karađorđevo accord: “It is a solution which is offering to the Muslims much more than they can ever dream to take by force.”1

  In summation, I am not blaming you and I am certainly not calling you evil, but I do feel like my brother is getting steamrolled and you are sitting silently in the passenger seat.

  AMY: Dear Kendra, I understand your trying to help and that you think I’m not evil or whatever, but I completely disagree with you. And as long as we’re “explaining” ourselves, let me explain MYSELF, okay? First of all, I read a little bit about the “Tudman” guy and I don’t think I’m being like him at ALL. And, if anything, YOU GUYS are being like Milosevic, like conspiring against me in your dark ivory tower back in New Jersey. I’m literally just up here trying to focus on my dancing and I’m enjoying myself for the first time and feeling like I might be good at something and that’s not a crime. If I WAS like a former Yugoslavian republic, then I’d be Slovenia, which I just looked up, because they were trying to get some independence without screwing anything up. And that’s what I’m trying to do here at ballet camp, just have some fun and get some freedom without screwing up the relationship with your brother. And then YOURE BEING like Milosevic and the Yugoslav People’s Army, storming Ljubljana with YPA troops as though what I’m doing is so bad.

  And as for paolo, who I’m NOT defending: he is not as bad as Milosevic! That’s not fair. He may be flirtatious, but that’s just part of his culture. And nothing is happening between us. If anything, he’s like former Speaker of the Croatian Parliament, President Stjepan Mesić: harmless.

  KENDRA: Harmless? I am literally ROFL, Amy! Mesić was an Ustaše apologist(!) and a severely corrupt leader of an already corrupt state, with a shoddy presidential campaign bankrolled by the Albanian Mafia! Maybe if you did less dancing in your little bird costume (hope PETA doesn’t come to the show!) and more studying about Central European post-Soviet conflict zones, you would know what you were talking about!

  AMY: First of all, I’m a vegan (unlike your saintly/victimized little brother) so don’t get me started about PETA. Second of all, Mesić was never convicted of any corruption charges related to his campaign, so don’t go throwing around accusations like their convictions.2

  KENDRA: Apologies for my tangential comments about your bird costume. It actually sounds nice (I love sequins on anything!) and I commend you for your vegan lifestyle, which is a diet I support but struggle to personally implement.

  AMY: Thanks for your apology re: my costume (I love sequens too!!!) As for your diet, you should try quinoia with a light soy sauce, unless you’re gluten free?

  KENDRA: No, I’m not gluten free (anymore!). I was for like three months. Lost eight pounds! Then found it again. ;-(

  AMY: Hate that! ANYWAY. Regarding Paolo, yes I am spending time with him and YES, I think he’s attractive, but that doesn’t mean I’m like cheating on your brother, who by the way, would do the SAME THING, if the roles were reversed. Like if Radovan Karadžić had gone to school in Škofja Loka and Jože Pučnik in Banja Luka—I don’t think Jože would exactly be walking around Eurozone meetings right now giving double cheek kisses to Christine Lagarde! What would Slavoj Žižek say about your moral absolutism?

  KENDRA: Hmm. Žižek would probably be unimpressed with my impractical strivings for a false post-Marxist utopia.

  AMY: And another thing! If you think Alija Izetbegović was a benign victim maybe you should read his 1970 manifesto Islamic Declaration, which I just downloaded in PDF. It has eerily similar passages to emails that your brother has sent me—Izetbegović calling for the modernization of Bosnia only in conjunction with the teachings of the Qur’an and your brother calling for me to meet him after school only if I agree to bowling (which I hate doing and which he knows because it hurts my thumbs!)

  KENDRA: Dear Amy, your points are insightful, valid, and ultimately well researched. (I did not know about the bowling incident.) In light of these sobering thoughts, I actually do think a breakup between you and my brother, not dissimilar to the former Yugoslavia, is coming. While I would love to see you two stay together, the world knew that, without Tito, Yugoslavia would never maintain stability and, without real understanding, you and my brother are likely doomed. And, in an attempt to avoid another Srebrenića, I think a peaceful breakup would be best.

  Frankly, the last thing I would want to do is what the United States did under Clinton, which we both know was too little and too late. In that way, I think that maybe you and my brother should part ways before the fighting becomes even more violent than it already is. I wish you the best with your upcoming recital and I will relay our decision to my brother, who will most likely not attend it now that you two are no longer together.

  AMY: Dear Kendra, thank you for your sensitive remarks and for not being a bitch like I was worried you might be. I look forward to meeting you in person ;-) even if it means going behind your brothers back (Karađorđevo Round 2? JK). Although, just to make sure things don’t get too heated, we should probably meet with a mediator like former Assistant Secretary of State Richard Holbrooke! lol!

  KENDRA: Right! Or Slovak diplomat Miroslav Lajčák! So we don’t wind up with another Višegrad!

  AMY: Or worse, Foča!

  KENDRA: LMFAO!

  AMY: ;-) Have a great summer Kendra.

  KENDRA: You too.

  1. John F. Burns, “Serbian Plan Would Deny the Muslims Any State,” New York Times, July 18, 1993.

  2. “Sud: Darko Petričić nije oklevetao Stjepana Mesića,” Slobodna Dalmacija, March 29, 2012.

  MY PRESCRIPTION INFORMATION PAMPHLETS AS WRITTEN BY MY FATHER

  BRAND NAME: Ativan

  GENERIC NAME: Lorazepam (lor-A-ze-pam)

  CLASS: Anti-anxiety/Sleep Aid

  COMMON USE: This medication was prescribed by your doctor to help you sleep becau
se it’s difficult to fall asleep when you don’t engage in physical activity.

  SIDE EFFECTS: May cause fatigue, though this probably won’t affect your schedule.

  IN CASE OF OVERDOSE: Drink several ounces of water, which comes out of the faucet and could also be used to wash dishes.

  BRAND NAME: Adderall

  GENERIC NAME: Amphetamine and Dextroamphetamine (am-FET-a-meen and DEX-troe-am-FET-a-meen)

  CLASS: Stimulant

  COMMON USE: This medication was overprescribed by your doctor because he’s paid by the pharmaceutical industry to overprescribe this to you. Do you know how many people were on Adderall in the last four years? Thirty-seven million! That’s two million more people than the entire population of Canada—a country that, not incidentally, banned Adderall! It’s legal to smoke Marijuana in Canada (and I know you have; your sister told me that you smoked Marijuana with your friend Peter Jaworski when he was at McGill), but Adderall is illegal!

  SIDE EFFECTS: May be habit forming. In the same way lateness, dressing like a teenager, and not sending your mother birthday cards has become habit forming.

  IN CASE OF OVERDOSE: Taking any amount of is medication is an overdose.

  BRAND NAME: Zoloft

  GENERIC NAME: Sertraline (SER-tra-leen)

  CLASS: Antidepressant/Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitor

  COMMON USE: This medication was prescribed by your doctor because you probably told him about the time I threw the alarm clock at the wall and accidentally hit you in the head. I was throwing it AT THE WALL! I had a terrible day; a man is allowed to throw things in his own home. I have apologized that it accidentally hit you in the head— a fact I don’t dispute—but you should apologize for this constant, frankly self-aggrandizing and self-pitying claim of child abuse that never existed. You’re not happy? Who’s happy? Why does everyone in this country think a pill will make them happy? Did you know that China is now producing more doctors and engineers than the United States? And what are you doing about it? You’re writing a book! Wow! Thank you! Thank you, son, for writing an “ironic” book about talking chimpanzees in New York City! If it’s as “meta” and “reflexive” as you claim, it will probably bring us out of this recession! Take that, China and India! A “postmodern” book about talking monkeys!