The Revisionist Read online

  ZENON Is David married?

  MARIA No.

  ZENON I didn’t think so.

  MARIA He’s waiting to meet the right girl.

  DAVID Hey! Are you guys talking about me?

  MARIA He want to know if you married. I tell him no.

  ZENON That’s a good thing.

  DAVID What did he say?

  MARIA He say is good thing.

  DAVID Oh. Thank you very much. I was wondering how he felt about that.

  MARIA Zenon get divorce from wife. Three year he in divorce.

  ZENON (to David) Women are like devils, but on Earth.

  DAVID What did he say?

  MARIA He say woman is like devil, but on earth.

  DAVID All women? Or just his wife?

  MARIA All women or just your wife?

  ZENON All women!

  MARIA All women, he say.

  ZENON But not you, Marysia.

  MARIA But not me, he say.

  David ambles offstage, into the bathroom, and we hear him splash water on his face.

  Zenon finishes shaving Maria’s legs. He places the razor and the bowl in the sink. Maria rolls up her stockings and replaces her skirt over her legs.

  MARIA Thank you. I feel ten years younger.

  ZENON You look twenty years younger! You’re beautiful!

  MARIA David, we are finish shaving, you come back in.

  DAVID Are you dressed? Let me know, next time, if you feel compelled to disrobe and—

  MARIA Stop talking. Now you meet Zenon nicely. Shake his hand.

  DAVID Okay, hello, Zenon.

  David reaches out and Zenon devours his hand. He speaks in Polish, gesturing to David’s body and laughing.

  ZENON I think you’re the skinniest American I’ve ever seen.

  DAVID What did he say?

  MARIA He say you are the most skinny American he ever see.

  DAVID Okay, well you could tell him that I don’t really feel like being objectified.

  MARIA Is okay, David, Zenon is not—he is not cultured man like you and me.

  DAVID Tell him that since I learned a little Polish, he should learn some English.

  MARIA He will not be good at this.

  DAVID Hey, Zenon! You want to learn some English?

  Zenon looks to Maria, unsure.

  ZENON What’s going on?

  DAVID You! English!

  ZENON What the hell is he telling me?

  MARIA He wants to teach you English.

  ZENON Ha, English!

  DAVID Zenon, say “Good morning.”

  MARIA David, I think this is not a good idea.

  DAVID (enunciating) Good. Morning.

  MARIA It means “Good morning.”

  DAVID Say “Good morning,” Zenon!

  ZENON Good. Morning.

  DAVID That actually sounded pretty good.

  MARIA Yes, I am surprise. You sound good, Zenon!

  ZENON (celebratory) I know!

  DAVID Okay, settle down. Say “Table.”

  ZENON Table.

  DAVID (lifts his shoe in the air) Shoe! Say “Shoe”!

  ZENON (mimics David, picks up shoe) Shoe! (to Maria) I’m so much better learning English than he is learning Polish.

  DAVID What did he say?

  MARIA Nothing. I don’t know.

  ZENON It’s like trying to teach a dog to talk.

  DAVID Tell me what he’s saying.

  MARIA He say he is better learning English—more better than you learning Polish.

  DAVID He said that?

  ZENON He must not have gotten his brain from you because at least you’re smart.

  DAVID What was that?

  MARIA Uh, is not a compliment.

  DAVID Tell me.

  MARIA He say that you did not get your brain from me because I am very smart.

  DAVID Really?

  MARIA Is not very nice.

  DAVID No.

  Maria looks at David for a moment and turns to Zenon:

  MARIA Zenon, say “Shit.”

  David sputters a laugh, shocked. He looks at Maria, who stares at Zenon, poker-faced.

  ZENON Shit. What does this mean, “shit”?

  MARIA It means “headache.”

  DAVID What did you say?

  MARIA I tell him that “shit” mean “headache.”

  David cracks up as Zenon points to his own head:

  ZENON Shit!

  Maria and David laugh as David clutches his head:

  DAVID I had such a throbbing shit this morning!

  ZENON (laughing with them proudly) SHIT!

  DAVID Why did you do that?

  MARIA I don’t know.

  ZENON SHIT!

  MARIA It was not nice to do.

  DAVID Yeah, but it’s really funny.

  MARIA I know.

  DAVID Hey Zenon, say “Asshole”!

  MARIA Oh god, David!

  ZENON ASSHOLE? What is “asshole”?

  MARIA It means “a small computer.”

  DAVID What did you tell him? What did you say?

  MARIA I tell him . . . I tell him “asshole” mean “computer.”

  Maria laughs as Zenon puts his arm around David:

  ZENON My wife never let me use her “asshole.”

  DAVID What did he say?

  MARIA He say his wife will not let him use the asshole.

  Maria and David crack up as Zenon stands proudly, impressed with himself. He pours another shot.

  DAVID That was—you’re funny, actually.

  MARIA Sha, you are funny.

  DAVID No, you are. I may have come up with the “asshole” bit, but the initial gag—the initial gag was yours. That was yours, Maria.

  MARIA Please, it was both maybe.

  DAVID No, I mean it! Good work.

  Zenon drinks the shot and pounds his chest. The vodka bottle is now empty.

  ZENON I love English! Where’s the vodka?

  DAVID What did he say?

  MARIA He say he like English and want to know if we have more vodka.

  DAVID This man is a taxi driver?

  MARIA Yes.

  DAVID People actually pay to sit in the car that this alcoholic caveman operates?

  MARIA Yes, is bad I know. What can I do?

  DAVID Stay off the road.

  MARIA David, you get him the vodka you buy for me. Is in your bag.

  DAVID But that was a gift. I don’t want to give it to this guy.

  ZENON What’s up with the vodka?

  MARIA Hold on.

  ZENON I’m on a schedule!

  MARIA David, you get him bottle.

  DAVID No.

  MARIA David, he drive me every week.

  DAVID So what? He insulted me.

  MARIA I know.

  DAVID And he shaves your legs and that’s disgusting. You shouldn’t let him do that.

  MARIA Maybe. But you go to your room and you get him the bottle.

  DAVID (beat) No.

  MARIA David, you move to Poland and you take me to the food store every week. And you carry my food up to my apartment three staircases and you put away food. And you change my light when it go out and you take me to the post office so I can buy notebook present for my cousin! Or you go to your room and you get the bottle for Zenon!

  The telephone rings. Maria answers it:

  MARIA Hello? Yes? I did receive the information. I looked through it . . .

  Zenon becomes impatient. He says to David:

  ZENON I got a pickup. Tell
her I said goodbye.

  Maria, still on the telephone, waves Zenon off. Zenon opens the door to leave.

  DAVID Hey, Zenon. (extends a hand:) Go fuck yourself.

  ZENON (shakes David’s hand, laughing) Dzien dobry! Good morning!

  Zenon exits, Maria still on the telephone.

  MARIA No, but thank you for calling. Goodbye.

  Maria hangs up the telephone.

  DAVID So, that’s too bad. Zenon had to leave.

  MARIA He was angry?

  DAVID No, he seemed all right. I hope he’s drunk enough to drive home.

  MARIA You come here for more than one week if you going to make the trouble.

  DAVID Sorry, I just don’t think you should reward him for basically taking full advantage—

  MARIA You not know nothing about me and Zenon.

  DAVID So tell me.

  MARIA It’s not for you to know. I need some things, I need—A woman needs some things—

  DAVID Oh! (rescuing her) I’m starving, Maria! Did you get me something to eat?

  MARIA Yes, I buy you special vegetarianski. The girl in the store show me this. (removes a block of tofu from the fridge) She say is just like meat. She has ring going through her nose, I don’t know.

  DAVID You shouldn’t trust everybody. But this is fine, it’s tofu, it’s very healthy.

  MARIA And I get a surprise plate of brownies!

  Maria pulls out a huge tray of brownies.

  DAVID You think that’s going to be enough?

  MARIA Is a lot, I know.

  DAVID Are you a den mother?

  MARIA Because I think if the tofu is disgusting, we eat more brownie.

  DAVID Good thinking.

  MARIA And you should dress nicely for dinner.

  DAVID This is becoming a bit of an event.

  MARIA Is important day: Is first time you eat a meal not on plane. Now, did you bring nice clothing? (re: his hoodie) Or you stay in the raincoat the whole time you live here?

  DAVID This is as nice as it gets. I just figured—I don’t know, it’s Poland—Do people dress nicely here?

  MARIA You put on old jacket from Jerzy. Come, we get from your room.

  DAVID Okay. (realizing) Wait, don’t go in there—

  MARIA I want you should look nice for dinner.

  DAVID Wait—let me just—give me a minute, I have to put something away, it’s not perfectly, it’s not clean.

  David enters his room and jumps on the windowsill. He tries to close the window but it’s jammed open.

  In the kitchen, Maria hears the commotion, turns on the faucet for sound and walks to David’s room, peering in. Unseen by him, she watches as:

  David struggles with the window. It won’t close. His pipe sits next to him. He takes a hit and exhales out the window. He tugs on the window again but it won’t budge.

  David moves to his open manuscript and stares at it, reading his work with disgust. He coughs from the weed and Maria ducks her head out of the room.

  David puts his head in his hands and breathes heavily. He forcefully throws down the manuscript and, in one furious move, jumps on the windowsill and slams the window closed.

  DAVID Maria!

  MARIA Yes, David. You want I should come in now?

  Maria turns off the faucet and enters his bedroom.

  DAVID Am I a terrible person? I think I might have some anger directed inwardly. Am I terrible?

  MARIA (gently) You would like to talk so much.

  She sits on the bed at his feet. He stretches out his legs, resting them on Maria’s lap. She stares at his feet, unsure, and then clasps them awkwardly. He rustles them in her hands.

  DAVID Am I terrible?

  MARIA Is okay.

  Maria notices that all of the picture frames are facedown.

  MARIA (cont.) David, I should ask you a question about the pictures.

  DAVID Okay.

  MARIA Do you know why they all fall down?

  DAVID I haven’t noticed.

  MARIA I think some frames maybe are old, they fall down sometimes.

  DAVID Maybe.

  MARIA So is accident? (no response) Do you still need them to be this way?

  DAVID No, I think I’m done. I just found it a little distracting. I was trying to work and they were, they were all staring at me.

  MARIA I understand.

  DAVID And I don’t know who half of them are, so it didn’t seem fair.

  MARIA You don’t know your family?

  DAVID I spotted me in one of the pictures, but no, most of them brought back no memories, good or bad.

  MARIA I can tell you who they are, if you like.

  DAVID Sure, I’d like to get to know them.

  MARIA Can I pick them up now?

  DAVID Please.

  Maria lifts the first picture frame.

  MARIA This is the son of Helen. His name Greg.

  DAVID That’s great. Who’s Helen?

  MARIA The cousin of your father, you don’t know this?

  DAVID Never heard of her.

  MARIA Greg live in Texas. His wife is name Sue-Ann—is weird name, I don’t know, is from Texas. This is Sue-Ann in picture. She is very beautiful, Greg marry her because of this. She is also doctor and she want they should live in Texas. They have little boy, is name Jack, I no have picture but—

  DAVID Okay. Next!

  Maria lifts the second picture frame.

  MARIA This is Judith, she live in California, in the Hollywood.

  DAVID Is she related to Helen?

  MARIA Of course is related to Helen! Judith mother is Ester, my cousin of course, and son of Ester is Jacob, my second cousin removed from me one time.

  DAVID Right. So how does Helen factor in?

  MARIA Helen is married to Jacob!

  DAVID Wow! Well done.

  MARIA I know all of this, is my family.

  Maria lifts the third frame; it is the picture of David.

  MARIA This I think you know who is. Is like mirror when you in the room. Is nice.

  DAVID I thought that one was going to be Helen. Find me one with Helen! I want to meet Helen!

  MARIA We go in order.

  DAVID Fine.

  Maria lifts the fourth picture.

  MARIA This is four brothers. Parents are Mark and Karen.

  DAVID Relation to Helen?

  MARIA Mark is the cousin of Helen.

  DAVID Good, continue.

  MARIA Four boys is, in this order, Steven, Saul, and these two are twins, look like each other perfectly, is Daniel and Aaron.

  DAVID Our family didn’t get too creative with names, did they?

  MARIA I think is beautiful names.

  DAVID Really? Doesn’t it seem like they just thumbed through the Bible a few times? Although I guess you get stuck with four boys, you kind of run out of options.

  MARIA My husband have four brothers. With him is five. And one sister.

  DAVID Jesus.

  MARIA Yes, is big family.

  DAVID Did you know all of them?

  MARIA Of course I know all of them. I live with them for four years I don’t leave house.

  DAVID What do you mean?

  MARIA I stay inside the same house for four years. I never go outside, not one time. Of course I know them.

  DAVID Why did you stay indoors for four years?

  MARIA Why?

  DAVID Yeah. Why?

  MARIA Is stupid question David.

  DAVID No it’s not.

  MARIA Yes, is stupid you should ask me this.

  Maria lifts the fifth picture. She takes a moment before speaking, st
aring at the picture.

  MARIA (cont.) This is Robert. He in the military. In West Virginia. He fight in the Iraq, for what I don’t know. He wear glasses in picture but, in other room, I have picture from school, he no wears them. Maybe he start them in 2002. When children get old, the eyes begin—

  DAVID Okay, that’s enough. It’s too much for one day. If we do any more, I’m not going to remember any of them.

  MARIA You want to know how Robert is related to Helen?

  DAVID No, that’s okay. But thanks for noticing. Now. I want to ask you a question, okay? Out of all these people, I want you to tell me who’s visited you. Here, in Poland. Not who you’ve met, but who’s visited you.

  MARIA Why you want you should know this?

  DAVID I just do. I came here.

  MARIA To write a book.

  DAVID Well, I’m here. I did it. So who, besides me, has come here, Maria?

  MARIA Beside you?

  DAVID Besides me.

  MARIA Saul, son of Mark.

  DAVID Okay. When?

  MARIA 1998.

  DAVID What month?

  MARIA Summer, I don’t know. He travel to Berlin and he come to visit me.

  DAVID How long did he stay?

  MARIA We drink coffee, we have nice time. He tell me about his business—

  DAVID How long did he stay here?

  MARIA He had meeting in Berlin. He stay with me as long as he could.

  DAVID How long.

  MARIA He stay maybe three hours.

  DAVID Three hours. And he’s the only one? You stare at these people every day and only one of them has come here?

  MARIA Why you ask me this way?

  DAVID Because they’re fucking assholes.

  MARIA Well. They are all here. In a way.

  DAVID Good answer.

  MARIA And I meet Saul in 1998. In Poland.

  Maria stands over David.

  MARIA (cont.) You see your grandfather every day?

  DAVID Every day? I saw him in August probably. At a wedding.

  MARIA He tell me you see him all the time.

  DAVID Yeah. I saw him at the wedding.

  MARIA If I should live in New York, I would see my family every day. In America, you turn teenager, you move out. In Poland, I think is good, you stay home and live with parents, take care of parents.

  DAVID Well, we think of family a little differently in America. You shouldn’t make a value judgment. It’s not good or bad.

  MARIA Is not good or bad. Is bad.

  DAVID That’s kind of small-minded, you have a limited perspective in some ways, which is understandable. I haven’t spoken to my sister in probably six months.